Answering Your Questions

Your questions have flooded in and , good to my word as always, I’ve answered.

Let’s move straight on from New Year chat and get up to speed with the good news. Spring is in the air in Airdire. I judge this by the fact that Big Kathy, who peels spuds in the chippy I live over, is no longer wearing her snorkel parka when having a tab by the bins out the back. She looks resplendent in her sparkling grey tabbard, having had it’s annual wash on January 4th. Joe, the manager of the chippy, has paid out One Armed Archie who won the annual ‘Guess How Many Inches Have Had To Be Added To The Waist String On Big Kathy’s Tabbard’ sweep. Archie won a month’s wear of Joe’s ‘Roger Moore’ hair piece (locally known more simply as ‘The Moore’). He says he’ll take it in May as he has his daughter’s third wedding and a court appearance for handling stolen goods to attend that month. It was joked that he should only get half the normal sentence as he can only handle half the amount of a man with two hands. How we laughed.

Anyhow, if you read the last post (there were times when I really thought/hoped that it literally was ‘the’ last post), you will know that I invited readers’ questions. I got an amazing 158 questions, which were to be put to the members of ‘Claret Club’ – the exclusive private members club for ship owners and hangers on. Having screened them in the past few days, I thought that maybe they might not all be wholly appropriate for putting to the world’s most (and least) respected ship owners. But I am not in the habit of disappointing my global readership, so instead of putting them to Claret Club members, I have answered them myself. I have to say that quite a few people contacted me to say that they would prefer to ask me than some billionaire. As I sit here gazing at the one bar electric heater and the ripple-effect plastic back-lighted waterfall ornament I am getting your message loud and clear. Man. Of. The. People.

Welcome to my world.

The format is simple. I have picked out samples of the questions that were asked most frequently asked and those that looked interesting. If you want to follow up on anything then please use the usual channels (any bin around the precinct in Airdrie). So here goes. I’ve been honest and hopefully realistic. Some of the questions sparked deeply personal responses and I must admit that by the end of it I was an emotional wreck. But it was cathartic and keeps me in touch with my inner prospector, that young, vulnerable teenager in Nevada with only a donkey for company on the long lonely nights looking for gold. So to be here now, having made it the way I have, is likely to be an inspiration to all of you. Enjoy!

From: Emmett Thife
Hot and juicy women in your city want sex.
Fick heute Nacht saftige Frau in deiner Stadt

Mr P says: Hi Emmett. Firstly, let me congratulate you on being able to speak two languages. I have always wanted to learn a new language, so that I can replay old recordings of Pope John Paul II’s New Year address and cheer more than once when I recognise the language he is speaking. Moving onto your message; Although I am pleased to hear that young love still runs free in the streets of North Lanarkshire, I am not sure that there is a question here. I am 102 years old, so my wild days are far behind me. I don’t speak Russian, so not exactly sure about the second part of the message, but I am assuming that Fick might be a friend of yours who is meeting Frau to discuss statistics in a diner. Good luck with your studies chaps!

“Cardinal Trevor. What’s the Afrikaans for ‘Happy Christmas’?”

From: Tony Coombs
Hi guys, I enjoy composing my synthwave music and recently I bumped into a very topical issue, namely how cryptocurrency is going to transform the music industry. I have decided to put together an article on the subject as I would like to inform the musicians and public at large just how cryptocurrencies can be a gamechanger in this field. I would like to donate this article to you for publication on your blog. I have saved the article in my Google drive. I did not have the time to find any images so I would be grateful if you could find and add some. I have also added a little blurb about myself. I hope you and your readers will enjoy reading my article. Have an awesome day! Regards, Tony Coombes

Mr P says: I’ll be honest with you Tony, I have always liked synthwave pop. I feel that synthwave really engages in retrofuturism, emulating 1980s science fiction, action, and horror media, sometimes comparable to cyberpunk. It expresses a nostalgia that I feel for 1980s culture, attempting to capture the era’s atmosphere and celebrate it. In particular the cassette of the work of Vangelis on the Blade Runner sound track is something I always have in the glove box of my Sierra. Having said that, cryptocurrencies are for cunts and I can’t be bothered to read your article as you appear to be a dickhead. Enjoy your day too Tony!

From: Eugene Ameme
Where to invest $ 3000 once and receive every month from $ 55000

Mr P says: I’m not sure that there is an easy answer I’m afraid, but thanks for asking! Try listening to FFA traders after a few beers at an FFABA reception. They will all be able to tell anyone who will listen all about their incredible trading records and bulging PnLs, while drinking free booze and demanding to be taken to 1990s-style strip clubs but not paying for anything. It turns out that despite FFA contracts by definition having a winner and a loser, that if the contract loses out that the ‘loser’ was only holding it ‘against physical’ and is in fact also a massive winner. If you can get onto this gravy train then you should be set to reach your goals. Alternatively, set up a drugs distribution network and a small army. Either should work.

He made a mint trading FFAs – telephone numbers long!

From: Cliff Liast
Joe Bonamassa is a famous country singer, so don’t miss the possibility to visit

Mr P says: I love new music, so definitely I will book something up. One question though. You mention the ‘possibility to visit’. Where would this visit take place? I am very old and cannot travel too far, and would also like to be able to get there using my Freedom Bus Pass for pensioners.

From: EJ Fricy
Sir Elton John is my favourite UK singer of the world. I’m glad to present for you this tour setlist 2019. Check Elton John concert Sacramento this link to get your best tickets for the farewell Elton John tour.

Mr P says: Hi EJ! It’s great to meet a fellow Elton fan. I don’t care what the rumours are about his ‘super injection’, I remember attending the 1984 FA Cup final between Watford and Everton and distinctly remember meeting his lovely wife Renata at a reception in the Beefeater in Garston afterwards. She must be delighted that he now has a best friend like David Furnish. No doubt she has a hearty stew on the stove when the boys come back from walking their pugs in the woods near Bushy Common in Watford. Sorry, but I think Sacremento is a bit too far for me to travel. When I go to gigs I only like it when bands play their new stuff and tend to head to the bar when they they play the old classics. I mean COME ON! Having seen ELO in Bristol with Evangelos Marinakis recently, we both remarked that the lack of new material was quite lazy and took away the shine from an otherwise very pleasant evening (Evangelos pretends he can’t walk and I push him in a wheelchair so we always get a really good view, but don’t tell anyone about our little secret!). I fear a farewell tour will also lack any ‘future hits’ and besides that, I just booked myself to visit Joe Bonamassa. So maybe next time!

Such a great day.

From: Advance Check Cashing

Mr P says: He said ‘Captain’, I said . . .

From: Emmett Thife
How To Make Extra Money From Home – $3000 Per Day Easy

Mr P says: Hello again Emmett. You appear to be quite the multi-talented one don’t you? Two languages, a thriving business empire. What next for you? I suggest that you get in touch with Eugene Ameme (above), you guys seem to have a lot of common goals!

From: Hodge Jones & Allen Solicitors Training
We are presently recruiting for paralegal to join our team at Coole Bevis LLP ?? Anyone interested please apply at

Mr P says: Hi. As a lawyer, or law-related recruiter I’m surprised at your poor grammar. However, I am interested in becoming a lawyer. It looks really interesting and when it comes to self-importance and stringing things out for ages, I think I might just be your man.

From Cjknwd
can you buy cialis online legally

Mr P says: I don’t think so, but Mick who works at the Kwik Fit in Dundee will sort you out if you ask. He gets them in on Thursdays, so don’t bother going on Wednesday as he won’t have any.

It’s the one in Perth Road you want, not the Strathmartine Road one.

From: Cary Chenauls
Is anyone aware of the deadline for the Davidson Chalmers LLP Training Contract Application? May your Christmas be Blessed and your New Year be Prosperous

Mr P says: Honestly I am not aware of the deadline Cary, but most likely it will be soon, based on you asking now. Same to you regarding Christmas, but as it is 345 days away there is a chance that I might not recall your good wishes on Christmas Day.

From: Jettie Golt
I am contemplating of buying this gorgeous Arabian Nights Fantasy Princess Lingerie Costume from! What do you make of this boutique?

Mr P says: Hi Jettie. Thats’ a good name for somebody interested in the shipping industry! Sadly I am not aware of this boutique. I generally shop in Super Dry, Hackett and Base for my shots. I think that you will find the Carnousties particularly ‘on point’ for work seminars that end up with a drinks reception afterwards. You will fit right into both. As boutiques go, I do like Sue Ryder, with its rich variety of vintage, retro and ‘nearly new’. I have a solid draw of underpants and vests from there, coupled with a yellow T-shirt with a picture of Dennis Waterman’s face when he was doing Minder with George Cole on the front. I wear it when I’m travelling as it’s a talking point and if there was a horrific accident my corpse could be identified though it and I wouldn’t be ashamed to be buried in it either.

I could be so good for you. Love you like you want me to . . .

From: Katrina Gronquist
I am shopping for some Christmas gifts. I am considering getting First Mate Lingerie Costume from Peaches and Screams Site I saw a link to this shop on your site and was wondering whether you have any personal experience with them?

Mr P says: Hi Katrina. I think you must be mistaken as I don’t have a link to the Peaches and Screams Site on this website. I don’t have any personal experience to speak of, but I do know that shipping executive Hamish Norton is very partial to peaches. That’s a fun fact isn’t it? I also know that shipping executive Khalid Hashim (who if he swapped first names with Hamish Norton, would be called Hamish Hashim) screamed like a lady when he saw the total fuck-up the barber had made when he got his last haircut.

Only way to fix it was a ‘Grade Two all over’ and hope some of it grows back quickly.

From: Nightsu T
Wanna get loved tonight by girls? Or by boys?

Mr P says: Who doesn’t, right Nightsu? Much like Elton John, I would be delighted to have the close friendship of girls and boys. And you rightly suggest, there’s no time like the present! Although I must point out that I have been putting off changing the cat litter for a month now and the place stinks of ammonia so badly that my eyes are watering, so it might have to be tomorrow once I’ve got rid of the litter and the smell has died down a bit.

I hope that you have enjoyed this and I look forward to any of your shipping questions in the future!